Materials required: On the altar are brown candles, a Tootsie Roll (the

great big one- as the athame), a large glass with milk in it (the chalice),

a small dish of Nestle's Quick and a spoon, a small dish of chocolate

sprinkles, a plate of cupcakes, and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet.

CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE:

take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles)

Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast

No calories in thy presence last.

Let no fat adhere to me

And as I will so mote it be!

Nestle's Quick where thou art cast

Turn this milk to chocolate, fast.

Let all good things come to me,

and make my milk all chocolatey!

CAST THE CIRCLE

(using a tootsie roll)

CALL THE QUARTERS:

Mousse of the East, Fluffy one!

Great prince of the palace of dessert!

Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle

from all moochers approaching from the East.

Fondue of the South, Molten one!

Great prince of the palace decadence!

Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle

from all diets approaching from the South.

Cocoa of the West, Satisfying one!

Great prince of the palace of thirst!

Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle

from all carob approaching from the West.

Rocky Road of the North, Cold one!

Great prince of the palace of crunchy!

Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle

from all cheap imitations approaching from the North.

MAIN RITUAL:
HANDMAIDEN (Henceforth known as the Swiss Miss):

Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate; who was of old called:

Godiva, Ethel M., Sara Lee, Nestle, Mrs. See, and by many other names:

HPS: Whenever you have one of those cravings, once in a while and better

it be when your checkbook is full, then shall you assemble in a great

public place and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me, who is

Queen of all Goodies. In the mall shall you assemble, you who have

eaten all your chocolate and are hungry for more. To you I shall bring

Good Things for your tongue. And you shall be free from depression. And

as a sign that you are truly free, you shall have chocolate smears on your

cheeks, and you shall munch, nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises

all in my presence. For mine is the ecstacy of phenylalanine, and mine

is also the joy on earth, yea, even into high orbit for my law is "melts

in your mouth, not in your hand". Keep clean your fingers, carry Wet

Ones always, let none stop you aside. For mine is the secret that opens

your mouth, and mine is the taste that puts a smile on your lips and

comfy padding pounds on your hips. I am the gracious Goddess who gives

the gift of joy onto the tummies of men and women. Upon earth, I give

knowledge of all things delicious, and beyond death... well, I can't do

much there. Sorry about that. I demand only your money in sacrifice,

for behold, chocolate is a business, and you have to pay for those

truffles before you eat them.

SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in

the dust of whose feet are the cheap imitations, whose body graces candy racks

and finer stores everywhere:

I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips, and the satisfying softness of

big bars, the mystery of how they get the filling inside truffles, and

fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire, call unto thy soul

to arise and come unto me. For I am the soul of candy, from me do all

confections spring, and unto me all of you shall return, again.... and

again... and again.... and again. Before my smeared face, beloved of

women and men, thine innermost divine self shall be enfolded in the

rapture of overdose. Let my taste be within thy mouth that rejoices.

For behold, all acts of yumminess and pleasure are my rituals.

Therefore let there be gooeyness and mess, crispness and crackling,

big slabs and bite size pieces, peanut butter and chocolate covered

cherries all within you. And you who think to seek me, know that your

seeking and yearning shall avail you not unless you know the Mystery:

"We shall sell no chocolate until you pay for it" For behold: I have

been with you since you were just a baby, and I am that which is

attained at nearly any shop in the land. Messed be.

SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was

called Ghirardelli, Milton Snavely Hershey, Bosco, Fudgesicle, and by many

other names.

HP: I am the strength of the candy rack, and the piece that

fell on the floor but looks like it may not have gotten too dirty, and the

deepest bitterness of dark chocolate. No matter how you try to resist

the call of chocolate, I will hunt you out, and I will become your

sacred prey. I am warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter, and the

call of the road that leads you to that really expensive Godiva store

downtown. I give you my creatures, the fire of love of chocolate, the

power of jaw strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way bar

and the shelter of Haagen Dazs when that big date didn't work out. You

are dear to me, and I instill in you my power of a piece of chocolate

that you had forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and

magickal sight with which you can spot a candy counter a mile away. By

the powers of the half melted bar in the glorious sun, I charge you, by

the darkest depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot and lingering smell

of bittersweet chocolate, I charge you, and by the beauty of a perfectly

swirled vanilla butter cream, I charge you. Follow your heart and your

instinct, wherever they lead you. The wealth in your pocket can buy

you treats that a Mayan king would envy. Take joy in that first bite

of lecithin emulsified cocoa, and in the last satisfying slurp of

Yoo-Hoo. Yet you must be wary of deceit. Eat not of that which is

called "baking chocolate", for it is vile and bitter. Lastly, always

remember to leave some chocolate behind you. Be not greedy, but let

yourself be known as a conoisseur. Leave a little for someone else.

I am with you always, just over your shoulder, or around the next

corner. I am the Lord of Chocolate, and when you have reached the end

of you hoard, I will never be further away from you than that 7-Eleven

on the corner. I am the spirit of the wild child, the inner child who

can never get quite enough. If you are a true chocolate lover, then

your soul and mine are intertwined.

CUPCAKES AND YOO-HOO

(Blessing of the Yoo-Hoo)

HP: Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than dark chocolate

HPS: Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate

HP: For both are better than the falsely named "white chocolate"

HPS: And neither one is carob

HP: As the frosting is to the cupcake

HPS: So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way bar

BOTH: And when they are eaten, they are yummy in truth, for there is

no greater snack in all the world than one made of chocolate.

Blessing of the Cupcakes)

HP: Frosting is keen

HPS: And frosting is neat

BOTH: Great Goddess! Let's eat!

(Feasting and Drinking)

DISMISS QUARTERS

HPS: Oh, ye mighty goodies of the Realm, we thank you for

attending our rites and guarding our circle, and ere you depart

for your sweet and sticky realms, we say unto you, "N-E-S-T-L-E-S,

Nestles makes the very best"

ALL: "Choooooooc-laaaaate"

(After all quarters have been dismissed, give a final satisfying belch at the east)

CLOSE CIRCLE